We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
