those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
