can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
