Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize