i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
