We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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