I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
