I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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