1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
there's paper in my vomit.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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