so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
