JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Less talking, more tequila
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
