margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
