i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
