Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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