why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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