I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
