I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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