So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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