Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
