He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
