WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
