Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
