it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
