seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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