they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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