you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
