Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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