Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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