On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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