I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
