I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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