I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
you made out with another girl for some wings
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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