Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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