During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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