I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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