That's when you crack a 10am beer
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
