I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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