My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Will exercising make me less horny?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
