i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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