I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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