dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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