i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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