Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize