We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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