The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
