I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
