***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
