When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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