I accidentally had phone sex last night
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
