I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
