dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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