oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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