According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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