I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
